Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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