does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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