Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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