he told me I talked like a deaf person
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
