It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I think I have vodka in my lungs
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
