I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
