How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
