Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
