Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
