Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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