You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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