literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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