I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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