I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I just want to make out with him forever
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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