im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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