Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
