Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
