chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I can text with my tongue
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
