i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize