Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
