have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
