Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
