Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
