everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I just want nice things and good sex
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
