I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
my phone needs a breathalizer
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
