is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
