remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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