And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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