i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Pants are for mortals
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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