If i could tip my vagina, i would.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize