At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
