i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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