just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
