Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Is Oprah even human
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
