Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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