then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
