you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
