I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
