so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
