talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
