Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
