I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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