please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
