Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
