So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Randomize
