My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
