I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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