So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
