I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
