His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
operation have a gay friend backfired
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
