My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
