Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
