Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize