She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
