can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
