If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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