tell your sister to shave her snatch
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
is that a dick in a sweater?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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