I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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